The Ballad of Bella Swan
by The Girl Is Dead
Summary: A poem my friend wrote and I posted. Sort of Twilight saga summary. Note: it makes fun of Twilight but it has a point . Rated T for language towards the end . Let me know what you think


**Note: My extremely anti-Twilight friend Emma wrote this. Don't be offended by this, this is a joke and has nothing to do with my personal views. Remember; this is **_**my**_** account and I'm free to post what I want. I ****did not**** write this. Please drop a review (for Emma's sake)! New SOE chapter up ASAP.**

**The Ballad of Bella Swan**

**or**

**A Twilight Summary**

Once a human, now vampire queen

Inheritor of the clumsiness gene

Wish to live forever eighteen

Very friendly with the drug morphine

It's tough being me, Bella Swan.

My boyfriend, Ed Cullen's a "real" vampire

Who has a most peculiar desire

For the blood and skin like fire

Of the humble, homely, and dire

Human girl named Bella Swan.

In book one, kidnapped by a tracker

Future looking black then blacker

Put my arm right to his smacker

Bitten with venom by said attacker

Oh! The woes of me, Bella Swan.

But! Thank God! I get saved

My evil stalker forever enslaved

In the depths of Hell's last pit, I'm engraved

Into a _new_ hospital that I've braved

Lucky me, young human Bella Swan.

But about my boyfriend, the immortal pedophile

He sparkles and angsts and wears posh argyle

And, in book two, goes into exile

While hoping to save me and being so vile

To me, the poor Bella Swan.

Falling in love with a werewolf to help me carry on

When the rest of my sanity is good and gone

I hallucinate in danger for what feels like an eon

And (for once!) don't have to worry about using a tampon

But life still sucks for me, Bella Swan.

Wait! Alas! Poor Eddie's in need

Psychic Alice and I fly to Italy at high-speed

To save suicidal Ed and then plead

For him to return to save me on his steed

Oh! Pray for the heroin(e), Bella Swan!

But wait, we can't go home, the Volturi claim

Who (as I've not mentioned) are vampire lords in their name

But have the strength just the same

As Eddie and Alice (though one sets your mind aflame)

It's so confusing being Bella Swan.

After twenty pages or so we return

To America as my stomach starts to churn

If Eddie leaves me my heart will burn

And tell his secret so he will learn

That **NO ONE** leaves the adored Bella Swan.

Oh yes! He doesn't! Instead, I suppose

He gets angry when I put my immortality on the line and on its' toes

While I blab on and on and on with prose

To find he'll change me if he can propose

To be engaged to me, Bella Swan.

Finally, somewhere near the end of book three

I find my lost mind and simultaneously agree

To be the wife of my dear Eddie

If, in fact, he _will_ change me

Into the _immortal_ Bella Swan.

Well, all of book three is angst and doubt

While the vamps and the wolves quarrel and bout

And I sit back and whine and pick grout

And in the end, ultimately freak out

When the fiancé kills someone after me, Bella Swan.

Now, book four, we anxiously await

The wedding set to an earlier date

The honeymoon scene not a moment too late

Will he kill me? Will I live? It's all up to fate

The vampire sexing me, Bella Swan.

Who would've guessed that I'd conceive

A hybrid baby that Ed wants to retrieve

From my open and bloody cleave

So I call up Rosalie to grieve

About the proposed death of the baby Bella Swan.

Now it switches to Jacob's view

The world of a werewolf exciting and new

If angst and whining doesn't bother you

Because we'll find out about him what really is true

Hooray! The focus is on Bella Swan.

After a bunch of crap complaint

Jacob and pregnant Bella reacquaint

Bella getting sick and awfully faint

In the Cullen house covered in white paint

Oh dear! What is the fate of Bella Swan?

While preggo Bella thirsts for blood

Jacob's view of the world is turned to mud

While he goes on and on about crud

And the Cullens just sit and chew the cud

Of the future of (now) sickly Bella Swan.

When Bella's thirst is finally filled

The heat of the horror finally chilled

And the baby's thoughts are heard and thrilled

A tiny drop of blood is spilled

That induces the labor of Bella Swan.

Thank God Edward will save the day

He eats out the baby so we can say

"It's a girl! Named Renesmee!"

And Jacob imprints while Bella's mortality is on delay

What will happen to our brave Bella Swan?

Now Bella is back in the spotlight

So we can hear about the poor girl's immortal fight

And how she isn't screaming with pain or fright

Ooh! She woke up! The world is bright!

Welcome, now **immortal** Bella Swan.

Now Edward takes me out to hunt

My newborn thirst surprisingly dormant

I pig out on animals like a mutant

And run **AWAY** from a human that would affront

The spotless image of Bella Swan.

Since I'm _golden_ I'm allowed to see

My baby who looks a lot like me

Except much, much more pretty

And apparently Jacob's imprintee

Oh! It SUCKS to be me, Bella Swan.

After I wrestle Jacob and Seth for a while

I finally remember how to smile

And time flies by the paragraph with shit writing style

Alice finds the time to file

A new horror for me, Bella Swan.

Apparently I've broken a vampire rule

But really it's just a virgule

Renesmee's not full vamp (that is Volturi fuel)

To start a fight, such horror! How cruel!

But of course I'll win, I'm Bella Swan.

We gather up witnesses from here and from there

Even ones to pop right from thin air

And find out my power, _**mind blocking **_flair

And win the (non)fight like a stallion loves a mare

For I am the great Bella Swan!

Thus ends the story, farewell, my friend

But wait! The horror doesn't just end!

Edward's point is coming out for the bend

This all is making my poor brain distend

I guess we'll never see the death of Bella Swan.

**Again, written by my friend Emma for English class. She got an A-. :) I love Emma. She's hilarious. She calls me by my middle name. Please, tell me what you think and I will pass it on to her. SOE chapter coming soon! OH! I'm going to Forks this weekend. I'm excited!**

**I love reviews. Especially on Secrets of Eternity.**

**-Monny**


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